How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
Brian Pane in rec.humor.funny
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to
remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
- You shoot yourself in the foot.
- You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone in sight.
- You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care
is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies
and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's
me, over there."
- If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you,
stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the
soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
- After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
- sh, csh, etc.
- You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer
and switch to C.
- You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
- You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the
Lawrence A. Crowl,
19 September 1995